Pushing to end preventable stillbirth in memory of Owen Nathaniel Vick
Category
PAL
Being pregnant & parenting after having a stillbirth can be complex full of anxiety, guilt, & worry. I’m sharing my experiences to help you feel less alone & offer you some hope knowing someone has made it to the other side to a life after loss which will still contain grief & fears, but joy & meaning too.
Ultrasounds give me the worst anxiety, but the greatest relief when they’re done. I can then say to myself, “all is well today”.
As we get closer to passing 32 weeks and hopefully meeting our son Jax I think my grief for Owen has gotten stronger, mainly because I feel sad that he’s not here too but also because I am worried that people will act like this baby fixes everything and that’s not right. Jax is going to add joy and make us happy in his own way but it’s impossible for anyone to erase the grief we have over Owen and I worry if they know we had another boy they’ll just think everything is fine now. Strange thoughts maybe but I just don’t want Owen to be forgotten and I don’t want that burden on Jax of making everyone happy. I’m just sure I’ll get defensive when anyone makes any comments about me having one daughter and one son or anything that suggests he’s better or stronger, etc. People say things trying to be nice and cheerful but those type of comments hurt me greatly. So on top of worrying about having him be born healthy I have that added layer of worry over what’s going to be said to us after he’s here. I’ll def make sure to announce and post about him while mentioning that he’s not going to replace our other son and that we are still grieving Owen so that hopefully people will realize that they have to be careful with saying anything hurtful but I can imagine someone will not know how I feel and say the wrong thing without meaning to upset me.
Like a family member on the phone yesterday said something about how this boy is going to be big (her usual choice of word that bothers me) and healthy, so I decided to tell her that while I hope that’s true and we will be happy to have him that I hope she realizes we are still going to be sad about Owen and I don’t want anyone thinking that Jax is going to replace him. She said oh no, we still miss Owen and think of him. I’m glad I said that to her because she has the habit of focusing on this baby and to me it has felt like she thinks this is going to make us a perfect little family with a boy and girl. But hopefully now she’ll be more sensitive.
Anyway, that’s my thing for this week as I get to the point where we were when we lost Owen. Just feeling melancholy and missing him, plus a little scared, but also thankful we are getting further along.
The birth of our third child, our much prayed for second son, is almost surely the most cathartic and fulfilling moment of my adult life to date. While having our first born daughter safely delivered in our arms was beautiful, miraculous and awe-inspiring as well, the birth of a child after multiple losses brings with it so many emotions that are far more intense than one could imagine you could feel before loss. Having a baby is the closest we’ll ever be to experiencing the power of God. Seeing how from an egg and sperm that joined together our bodies can grow a perfect little human that magically is brought to life from our womb is just mind blowing to me. Every time I’ve held our newborn babies I immediately fell in love and thought to myself, “Wow we made you? You were in there all this time?” Meeting our littlest son after the devastation of having miscarried, then lost his brother Owen at close to 32 weeks of pregnancy, then miscarried again, was a moment I long dreamt of, but never truly believe would happen for us until that moment he was in our arms.
The vision board I created for my pregnancy with my rainbow baby. So many hopes & dreams right here that I prayed over non-stop! (And yes, he was due on his brother Owen’s birthdate by chance/divine plan)
To recap the pregnancy was far from perfect or easy. We had the anxiety to be expected of a PAL (Pregnancy After Loss) couple; Fearful every moment would be our last. Nights of insomnia filled with worry that I would miss a moment when my son stopped moving and it would be too late when I woke up to save him. Flashbacks of our loss. And from the beginning I had a nagging worry that for some reason I would have a premature delivery and my baby wouldn’t survive. I don’t know where that fear came from, probably because my brother’s girlfriend tragically lost a baby after us from her water breaking suddenly and then my sister sadly lost twins from terrible, unexpected complications in the second trimester. But based on my own history, I had no reason to assume my water would break early. I still decided to take it super easy during my pregnancy, not even going for walks though I know being fit is good for most pregnancies. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that if I did too much, I could lose this baby too. Sure enough at our 20 week appointment, after having the anatomy fully scanned and things seemingly going well, my doctor called in his nurse to deliver some terrifying news. My heart sank and my eyes began to flood as I feared the worse. Thankfully it was something we could act on. The doctor informed us that my cervix had begun shortening. We had the option of a cerclage which wasn’t a guarantee (“In lesser skilled hands”) but our amazing doctor had been successful with this method in many, many pregnancies before ours. We trusted our doctor (Dr. Tabsh) and his team fully, so we booked the surgery for that weekend and I put myself on at home bedrest until that morning. Good thing that I did, by the time of the surgery I had begun to dilate 1 cm as well. I was a complete wreck going into the surgery but had reached out to a support group online that sent me a prayer over our son that I read that morning which gave me a sense of peace. As I lay in the OR, my doctor and nurses cheerfully chatted and joked with each other which put me at ease since they apparently felt things were going smoothly. The entire time I just prayed for the doctor’s hands to act as God’s hands, so that he would skillful and be able to help keep my baby safe inside of me. After recovery we were sent home and that very moment I walked back in the house through the garage door I exhaled for the first time in days thanking God for letting me walk back in with my baby still in my womb. Tears of joy and gratitude rushed out of my eyes. We still had our baby boy with us.
Fast forward past 17 weeks of bedrest at home where I spent the majority of my time laying on the coach watching Netflix, crocheting and reading with the occasional visitor or trip to the doctor’s office and permission to attend a couple special events for our daughter (I will share more about this challenging experience in a later post). We were now at 31 weeks and 2 days having been admitted to the hospital after our last appointment due to low fluid levels. In reality the level wasn’t so drastically low, but low enough that our doctor didn’t want to take chances with us because of our history and we were too afraid to have me leave without our son being born after that so we begged to be kept there on the monitor and IV fluids until they could let us schedule our c section. This was another turning point for our bumpy pregnancy journey, but though I wished to be home with our daughter and my husband, I was so thankful to have been able to stay at the hospital under their watchful care because of our raging panic that if I went home something terrible would go wrong again and we would be too late getting back to the hospital. We could thank PTSD for that trauma since we lost our first son at almost 32 weeks of pregnancy after a “textbook” perfect pregnancy without any complications and no warning.
All I want to say to end this post is please always trust your gut instincts/mother intuition. If you feel like something can be wrong, be your own advocate and refuse to go home without all the possible screenings and tests done to assure you that everything is in fact ok. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone back to that awful day when we lost our son Owen to think what I could’ve and should’ve done differently to save him. Yes, I went in to the ER to check on him when I felt something was wrong, but maybe I shouldn’t have listened to the person who answered my call and waited to eat to try to get him to move more and then go in if he didn’t start reacting. I would definitely have run in now if I could do that all over again, but I was naive and unaware that I could lose my son in that moment (I had never even heard of stillbirth back then or kick counting, which I did but since Owen was such an active baby I really took closely tracking his movements for granted). So, while this story of my rainbow pregnancy will thankfully have a happy ending, my first son did not get to come home with us and I wanted to take this time to remind you that you have to trust yourself and speak up for you and your baby. I’ll finish sharing our happy rainbow baby pregnancy and delivery journey in a future post, but for now, let me also assure anyone who is struggling through PAL that although it can be a very scary and difficult journey, I am here for you (just as many others in our “club” of loss families are) to help you get through each of the days ahead, so please feel free to leave me a comment or find me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/stillmysonOwen) if you need support.
As always, your sweet babies will live on in my heart along with our son Owen.
Our sprinkle last weekend was everything I dreamt of and more! So many of our close family and friends were able to make it and all the meaningful little details I wanted to include came out perfectly. I made a lot of the signage and crocheted decor pieces (including the favor candles) in my spare time while on bedrest. The day of I had so much help from my sisters (who also did all the shopping), hubby (who not only was my set up Superman and a wonderful party host but also customized an antique door for me for decor), Mom and MIL (both also took turns staying with us for weeks to take care of us during my bedrest), Dad, brother, SIL, and friends who all worked together on the food and setup, so I actually didn’t feel like I was too overwhelmed. Special shout out and thank you to my super detailed friend Mayla who always makes me feel so at ease at my events because I know she’ll get everything done with style and who loaned us her custom-made donut wall, cocktail tables, chairs and platters plus made the delicious Wisconsin cheese platter! And thank you to Kathrin for all her items she offered to let us borrow to make our party pretty and for those yummy rainbow pretzel sticks her sister made! Of course I’m so thankful to have my sisters who helped and encouraged me throughout the planning to have this sprinkle and came a long way (from Florida and San Jose) to help make my dream party come true. I’m so glad I didn’t let the fear of another loss keep me from enjoying this moment in our rainbow pregnancy.
My heart is overjoyed knowing how much Jax is loved already. We requested diapers only since we have many of our daughter’s baby items saved but still got a lot of cute and useful gifts on top of plenty of diapers to start us off! Seeing all of Jackson’s gifts also really helped me visualize our son coming home. Now that we are 26 weeks I feel better knowing Jax is viable and each day that passes, as we continue to fight IC, we are getting closer to delivering a healthy baby. I am beyond thankful to God for this new life that I’m carrying and feel blessed to be this far along, experiencing Jackson’s strong kicks and summersaults, and being able to let myself dream about his arrival.
Beside documenting this special day, I wanted to share my experience on my blog in case any other PAL moms and dads are trying to decide if you want to have a shower. I think it’s a beautiful occasion and every baby deserves to be celebrated, but I understand the anxiety too. My husband wasn’t as sure about doing it because he’s concerned still with our experience of a 32 week loss, but was supportive of my desire to have the sprinkle despite his valid fears. We didn’t have a shower for our angel thinking we had enough hand-me-downs and we’d do something to celebrate him after he was born, but we didn’t get to, so I felt it was important to have one for our next, and possibly last, baby. After enduring 5 pregnancies in 6 years and three losses, I truly think we deserve to be celebrated too and for at least one day allow ourselves to be excited for this miracle we are still getting to see grow and will hopefully get to raise. Who else had a shower for their rainbows? Were you happy that you did it? Let me know how you celebrated! ????????
We are so thankful for all the thoughtful gifts we received for Jax, but this one was beyond special so I just have to point it out. I cried when I first saw it. My sister had made a blanket for our angel Owen with the other piece of the same fabric and we laid him to rest wrapped in it. So my heart is just so overwhelmed with emotions knowing our rainbow was gifted this blanket from my sister and mom (who sewed this one). ???? Our son Jackson is due on his big brother’s birthday so we always felt that he was handpicked for Earth by Owen for us. We couldn’t be more excited to meet him!
We had our 24 week appointment today. That’s right, we made it to the first viability milestone! Baby Jax is doing well, praise the Lord! He’s measuring on track, 1.7 lbs. My cervix is holding up and a little longer now too (3.3 cm), so bedrest is working. That was such a stressful ultrasound though! My High Risk OB was measuring Jax’s brain area so many times (turns out whatever it was is still within normal limits) and was just super quiet the entire scan (as is his usual professional style). I was having a panic attack waiting for him to finish the ultrasound. I could literally feel my heart beating out of my chest as I gripped my husband’s arm! I was definitely worried and scared that we were planning for our Sprinkle this month and buying stuff for Jax, and something could be wrong. Of course more than all that, we would be devastated if anything happened to him because we love him so much already. But thank God he’s keeping our little boy healthy and growing well.
I was a mess after, asking my OB if Jax was ok and if everything looked fine (tears and all). Luckily he has compassion for me and when I asked if we can start doing NST’s (Non Stress Tests to monitor baby’s heartbeat at the hospital) early he said he would do that for me if it’ll help me feel better. He asked “how early, 30 weeks”, and I requested “how about 28, because we lost our son at 32 and I want to know if they see any changes in Jax’s patterns”. So he said ok. He also noted that right now my anxiety is at an orange level and by that time it’ll be more like red level, but he assured me that everything is ok. I was so emotional because we still don’t know what caused the loss of our other son in the last trimester, but my OB said most likely it was a cord accident, a 1/9,000 thing and it just happened to us. To which I replied that that’s why I’m still scared because I know Jax is fine now, but anything can happen. So hopefully by having the NST’s done earlier I can get a little reassurance though I know I’ll be a wreck during and after them until Jax is born! I just kept praying during the ultrasound asking God to please make Jax perfect and to help rid me of my fears. This pregnancy is just so tough but I’m trying my best to be all in and not be afraid of another loss. Despite the heartache and stress, I am so thankful to be at this stage carrying a healthy baby boy and I am doing everything I can to be in the moment, bond with Jax and enjoy feeling his kicks.
Lesson learned this week, always ask for what you need. I’m still coming down from my emotional rollercoaster, but feeling more at ease now that my OB agreed to earlier NST’s. Hopefully the next appointment in little over two weeks will be another good one, but as always we just have to take this pregnancy one moment at a time.
