Glennon Doyle – Still My Son

We took the first pic when we found out we were pregnant (I decided then and there to celebrate each second with our little one), but I chose to have the striped stretchy dress on for all the belly pics to come. Hopeful this time I’d get to see my belly grow to full term in these photos, but either way I wanted to have as many memories documented with our baby as I could. My daughter Naomi took most of these pics for me. It was our special bonding time with her sibling and she became a good little photographer.

1/24/17

Josh and I found out we are pregnant for the 5th time and we are in a state of disbelief, concern and hesitant joy. We had waited to try again until we got back all our genetic testing to make sure there wasn’t a reason that our pregnancies were not going well (unfortunately insurance doesn’t cover genetic testing until your third loss! Thanks America). We got the call while walking around Universal Studios with our daughter and it was as if the clouds around us parted for the first time and we could see the sun shining through. They told us they found no issues with either of us genetically that would cause our recurrent losses. Though that was great news, we also were still feeling lost because now we had no cause for what was going on and didn’t know how to stop a loss from occurring again. Still we decided we would try one more time and thankfully had no trouble getting pregnant (staying pregnant has always been our issue). To our utter amazement, when I looked up the baby’s potential due date it was 10/3! Owen’s birthday! Well, if that wasn’t a sign, we don’t know what is. At first that made me a little uneasy because I didn’t want our new baby’s birth to overshadow Owen’s special day and for anyone to see our rainbow even more as a replacement for our son. I wanted the new baby to have his own birthday and identity, separate from Owen, but also most importantly for Owen’s birthday to be his and not shared with his new sibling (though he does share birthdays with his grandpa Rickie already). Still, it did give me so much joy to think that this baby was hand-picked by his brother in heaven and I took the coincidence of the matching date to be a clear sign that our rainbow baby would be looked after by Owen.

The second line was so faint (we used cheap Dollar Store tests bc I didn’t want to waste any money after so many attempts), so Josh didn’t believe me when I said it was positive, but I knew it!

Some of the prayers that I gathered for myself on my Pinterest board to keep me motivated and thinking positive about our pregnancies. These words, especially the last, were read over and over in moments of disappear and worry to try to keep my mind from going off the deep end with my constant fears and to send good vibes to our baby.

2/15/17 Our Rainbow Baby’s Ultrasound!

The moment we saw our baby for the first time. You can hear the measured excitement in our voices. Trying hard to let ourselves gain hope without being too in love right away (as if it’s possible not to be), just in case this baby didn’t make it like the others. Still, it’s such a special memory to look back on now and I’m so thankful our daughter finally got to have a living sibling.

Our sweet rainbow growing strong. Terror kicked in every time we had an ultrasound. We prayed so much for this baby, but of course still worried we could have another loss because of our experience.

3/9/17 (10 Weeks)

We decided to keep the news of our pregnancy private until we get much further along. Even though we’re excited and hopeful, we are starting to feel like we may be jinxing ourselves by sharing our pregnancies too soon (which of course isn’t a thing). Today I slipped and told my good friend Leila about our pregnancy on the phone. I wanted to wait till I saw her, but I know it’ll be a while so it would have to be over the phone anyway. She was happy and positive, as I’m sure everyone else will be. Can’t wait to be able to feel safe enough to share our news with more people, though I’m not sure when that safe period will be since to us no point of pregnancy is anymore. Wish we could naively share the news like others do who don’t have a history of loss. Even finding out you’re pregnant feels so different when you’ve had multiple losses. The hope is so meek and hidden under layers of fear, but it’s still there wishing for this baby to be ours to take home.

Working on my rainbow baby’s first crocheted blanket. This would be the first of many projects that I make to pass the time & get my mind off my worries. As I make each stitch, I try to visualize our healthy, living baby wrapped in it.

The beginning of our baby’s wardrobe starting with the first that I bought on 1/17, when he was just a twinkle in his father’s eye. I didn’t know then I was pregnant but we had started trying. I only bought items I found on sale that were gender neutral. Every time I started panicking that my baby wasn’t going to make it, I’d go online to shop for something else to allow myself to dream of him being born alive and well and one day wearing these cute outfits. I’m not sure if that visualization practice helped, or just kept me from breaking down, but it worked for me.

Pregnancy after loss can be long and torturous as every day brings you closer to hopefully meeting your baby, but also is one more day that could be closer to losing them. I had to come up with ways to keep my mind from falling down the rabbit hole of despair which I attempted to do with a mixture of hobbies/crafts, reading (to the baby, Naomi and myself), meditating, praying, shopping, playing with my daughter, watching Netflix and spending time with my husband and our loved ones. Whatever you can do to keep your mind off the time helps, so if you are PAL or going through another trial in life I hope you find what works for you and keep pushing forward each day.

My mantra always remains through PAL and beyond, “We can do hard things”. -Glennon Doyle