A Sweet Rainbow Baby Sprinkle For My High Risk Pregnancy After Loss

Our sprinkle last weekend was everything I dreamt of and more! So many of our close family and friends were able to make it and all the meaningful little details I wanted to include came out perfectly. I made a lot of the signage and crocheted decor pieces (including the favor candles) in my spare time while on bedrest. The day of I had so much help from my sisters (who also did all the shopping), hubby (who not only was my set up Superman and a wonderful party host but also customized an antique door for me for decor), Mom and MIL (both also took turns staying with us for weeks to take care of us during my bedrest), Dad, brother, SIL, and friends who all worked together on the food and setup, so I actually didn’t feel like I was too overwhelmed. Special shout out and thank you to my super detailed friend Mayla who always makes me feel so at ease at my events because I know she’ll get everything done with style and who loaned us her custom-made donut wall, cocktail tables, chairs and platters plus made the delicious Wisconsin cheese platter! And thank you to Kathrin for all her items she offered to let us borrow to make our party pretty and for those yummy rainbow pretzel sticks her sister made! Of course I’m so thankful to have my sisters who helped and encouraged me throughout the planning to have this sprinkle and came a long way (from Florida and San Jose) to help make my dream party come true. I’m so glad I didn’t let the fear of another loss keep me from enjoying this moment in our rainbow pregnancy.

My heart is overjoyed knowing how much Jax is loved already. We requested diapers only since we have many of our daughter’s baby items saved but still got a lot of cute and useful gifts on top of plenty of diapers to start us off! Seeing all of Jackson’s gifts also really helped me visualize our son coming home. Now that we are 26 weeks I feel better knowing Jax is viable and each day that passes, as we continue to fight IC, we are getting closer to delivering a healthy baby. I am beyond thankful to God for this new life that I’m carrying and feel blessed to be this far along, experiencing Jackson’s strong kicks and summersaults, and being able to let myself dream about his arrival.

Beside documenting this special day, I wanted to share my experience on my blog in case any other PAL moms and dads are trying to decide if you want to have a shower. I think it’s a beautiful occasion and every baby deserves to be celebrated, but I understand the anxiety too. My husband wasn’t as sure about doing it because he’s concerned still with our experience of a 32 week loss, but was supportive of my desire to have the sprinkle despite his valid fears. We didn’t have a shower for our angel thinking we had enough hand-me-downs and we’d do something to celebrate him after he was born, but we didn’t get to, so I felt it was important to have one for our next, and possibly last, baby. After enduring 5 pregnancies in 6 years and three losses, I truly think we deserve to be celebrated too and for at least one day allow ourselves to be excited for this miracle we are still getting to see grow and will hopefully get to raise. Who else had a shower for their rainbows? Were you happy that you did it? Let me know how you celebrated! ????????

We are so thankful for all the thoughtful gifts we received for Jax, but this one was beyond special so I just have to point it out. I cried when I first saw it. My sister had made a blanket for our angel Owen with the other piece of the same fabric and we laid him to rest wrapped in it. So my heart is just so overwhelmed with emotions knowing our rainbow was gifted this blanket from my sister and mom (who sewed this one). ???? Our son Jackson is due on his big brother’s birthday so we always felt that he was handpicked for Earth by Owen for us. We couldn’t be more excited to meet him!

6/14/17

We had our 24 week appointment today. That’s right, we made it to the first viability milestone! Baby Jax is doing well, praise the Lord! He’s measuring on track, 1.7 lbs. My cervix is holding up and a little longer now too (3.3 cm), so bedrest is working. That was such a stressful ultrasound though! My High Risk OB was measuring Jax’s brain area so many times (turns out whatever it was is still within normal limits) and was just super quiet the entire scan (as is his usual professional style). I was having a panic attack waiting for him to finish the ultrasound. I could literally feel my heart beating out of my chest as I gripped my husband’s arm! I was definitely worried and scared that we were planning for our Sprinkle this month and buying stuff for Jax, and something could be wrong. Of course more than all that, we would be devastated if anything happened to him because we love him so much already. But thank God he’s keeping our little boy healthy and growing well.

I was a mess after, asking my OB if Jax was ok and if everything looked fine (tears and all). Luckily he has compassion for me and when I asked if we can start doing NST’s (Non Stress Tests to monitor baby’s heartbeat at the hospital) early he said he would do that for me if it’ll help me feel better. He asked “how early, 30 weeks”, and I requested “how about 28, because we lost our son at 32 and I want to know if they see any changes in Jax’s patterns”. So he said ok. He also noted that right now my anxiety is at an orange level and by that time it’ll be more like red level, but he assured me that everything is ok. I was so emotional because we still don’t know what caused the loss of our other son in the last trimester, but my OB said most likely it was a cord accident, a 1/9,000 thing and it just happened to us. To which I replied that that’s why I’m still scared because I know Jax is fine now, but anything can happen. So hopefully by having the NST’s done earlier I can get a little reassurance though I know I’ll be a wreck during and after them until Jax is born! I just kept praying during the ultrasound asking God to please make Jax perfect and to help rid me of my fears. This pregnancy is just so tough but I’m trying my best to be all in and not be afraid of another loss. Despite the heartache and stress, I am so thankful to be at this stage carrying a healthy baby boy and I am doing everything I can to be in the moment, bond with Jax and enjoy feeling his kicks.

Lesson learned this week, always ask for what you need. I’m still coming down from my emotional rollercoaster, but feeling more at ease now that my OB agreed to earlier NST’s. Hopefully the next appointment in little over two weeks will be another good one, but as always we just have to take this pregnancy one moment at a time.