anxiety – Still My Son

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Trauma of Loss: Panic Attack at the OB

on November 11, 2021November 12, 2021

Today I had to come in to an OB appointment I scheduled to look into some issues I’ve have with my period (truthfully since my first miscarriage, but none of my OB’s offered to help me find a cause until now). Whoever thinks your PTSD lets up after you’re done TTC is wrong!

Waiting in the same room as several women, pregnant with hope and most likely unaware of the risk of stillbirth, is my literal hell. I’m squirming and screaming inside, but holding it in. Let them enjoy their naive state, I tell myself. No, I would’ve wanted to know! My heart screams to me again. The horrible tug a war ends promptly as my name is called.

The ultrasound. A wonderful machine for non-loss moms eager to see their little sweat pea growing & moving about; but panic attack inducing for those of us who’ve had the worse news confirmed by this device.

As I waited for the OB to go over my ultrasound results, I prayed fervently. “Please let me be ok. My kids and husband still need me. I know you and Owen want me to keep saving babies and I have more to do before I’m back with him”. A little melodramatic for what I went in for, but anything medical related becomes a worse case scenario fear in my mind now. Thankfully all went well. No bad news today. 🙏🏼

I scurry out, keeping my gaze straight ahead to avoid locking eyes with a pregnant couple that I pass. I say a little prayer, “Lord please keep their baby safe”, and I hop into my car. The wheels couldn’t take me away faster from that office.

I look to the clouds, as I often did after losing Owen. I noticed the sun shining, much like the day I left the hospital after delivering him holding only a small box of mementos. I take this as a reminder that my boy is with me telling mommy everything is ok, we can keep going together.

Anytime I get out of an OB appointment without an awful diagnosis is a good day for me and now I’m back to attending the ISA Conference to learn how I can help others keep their babies safe!

Always more we can learn, especially from researchers, about ways to prevent stillbirth.

ISA-ISPID 2021 Conference

Hearing the Heartbeat & Hanging On With Prayer (PAL Journal: 11 Weeks)

on April 6, 2021November 6, 2021

After our apt. on 3/3/17 we were excited to send a photo of us with our sweet pea to our family back home even though we knew this was just the beginning of a long road ahead filled with uncertainty.

3/14/17

Feeling little flutters of movement since week 8 or 9 when I’m laying down, meditating or resting. Could it be our little sweet pea?? It’s a bit earlier than most people feel the movements, but it’s my 5th pregnancy and I feel very connected to this little one. So in love with our baby and hopeful that all will be well.

Hearing the heartbeat is a momentous experience. If you’ve been blessed with this experience you won’t ever forget it. We of course have a mixture of joy and fear every time, but that doesn’t take away from how special this was to know our baby was alive.

3/19/17

Had what felt like round ligament pain (in groin area; tmi but I keep specific notes for my doctors) while standing waiting for the elevator after having dinner and watching a movie. Not too severe and was ok in car. Went away after we got out of the shower and laid down for bed. (Of course I was taking notes of every random occurrence because you never know what it may mean.)

Another week over. I can tell you, my excitement was still meek because this is still early enough for miscarriage (which I did experience twice) and I know anything can go wrong even later in pregnancy (as we lost Owen at almost 32 weeks). Prayer was my main method of survival through each passing week.

Fighting Anxiety Ridden Intense Nightmares As We Get Closer to Our Due Date (PAL Diary Entry: 36 Weeks + 2 Days)

on April 3, 2021November 6, 2021

9/7/17

A quick trip to find a dress to wear taking home our baby (thank God that came true this time). I also had my nails painted blue (I couldn’t reach them anymore so I got them done).

This week I dreamt about being pregnant for the first time. I was at the hospital and a doctor came in to see me, but couldn’t find my chart. I told her I wasn’t in my room. It seemed I had been there for a while and was just wandering around passing the time. Suddenly I felt like my water had broken and I told her to look at my stomach because you could see Jax’s little fist pushing out in my stomach and I said he must be ready to come out. He apparently had kicked so hard her broke my water. Next thing you know I was with my family lighting candles for the baby and they looked like day of the dead sugar skulls. The big one was for Owen and it was burning like a sparkler. I wanted to take a picture, but everyone kept blowing theirs out before I could. I kept relighting them and asked Karen to pray for the baby. She was complaining that she doesn’t usually pray aloud. I then tried to get us all together for a picture (it seemed like we were all sitting in a long van). Aunt Donna was in the back with Naomi and I asked her to sit on the side because she was holding a big bouquet of balloons that were blocking Naomi. Finally Josh came in but was in front of everyone and I was getting flustered and said ok sit down lower let’s get this picture so I can go have this baby now. Then I woke up!

I’ve been having anxiety over my water breaking and having to rush to the hospital to deliver before my c section so I imagine that’s what this dream was about. My night sleep has been very disrupted and difficult as I worry most at nights and wake up freaking out to check that Jax is still ok. I wake him up often to make sure. It’s so hard but I’m trying to trust and have faith that everything’s going to be ok. I’m keeping myself busy with any last minute errands I can do. Just praying the next 16 days fly by and we can hold our healthy little baby soon!

Does this delicious homemade vegan chocolate pie make my belly look big?? One of the few things that helped take my mind off my worries was good food. Thankfully Aunt Donna was game for learning new vegetarian recipes!

When Even Sleep Doesn’t Grant Me Rest From My Worst Fears (PAL Diary Entry: 36 Weeks)

on April 2, 2021November 6, 2021

9/6/17

Trying to get my mind off my worries for a bit, following someone’s tutorial for taking a silhouette photo of my bump with my phone.

Just woke up feeling like I was about to lose my plug or water was breaking. I was so freaked out. I hurried to the bathroom, but there was nothing coming out at all. I peed then laid down only to feel my stress level rising wondering if Jax was okay and trying to wake him up by gently squeezing my belly until he moved. Poor baby, he was surely asleep, but like a good boy woke up and gave me a few reassuring movements. I’m up like this every night, almost every hour or two. It’s horrible because I can’t handle the fear at night. During the day I can keep track of his movements and thus do not worry as much, but at night the minute I realize I’m asleep and I wake back up the dread strikes me again until I feel him move. I wish my doctor would deliver Jax now. I know he’s healthy and strong and I feel he’ll do just fine if he is delivered early, but I can’t say I feel confident he’ll be okay if we keep waiting for the c section date they gave us (9/23). Either I want him delivered ASAP or to be kept at the hospital to be monitored until they do. I just can’t keep carrying all this responsibility on my shoulders myself. It’s so scary because Owen was fine one moment and then he wasn’t, so I get so worried I may miss the moment when Jax may need to come out like his brother. I would hate to be kept in the hospital for a long time because then Naomi will miss me, but her dad and Aunt Donna are able to take care of her and I think we need this for my sanity and to keep Jax safe. I’m going to call tomorrow to try to see what the doctor will do for us. It’s just too much for me now and I’m sure it’s not healthy for Jax either to be constantly feeling my stress and be woken up all night. Praying he will be okay until we can deliver him. All I want is my healthy baby boy in my arms, alive and well.