When Even Sleep Doesn’t Grant Me Rest From My Worst Fears (PAL Diary Entry: 36 Weeks)

9/6/17

Trying to get my mind off my worries for a bit, following someone’s tutorial for taking a silhouette photo of my bump with my phone.

Just woke up feeling like I was about to lose my plug or water was breaking. I was so freaked out. I hurried to the bathroom, but there was nothing coming out at all. I peed then laid down only to feel my stress level rising wondering if Jax was okay and trying to wake him up by gently squeezing my belly until he moved. Poor baby, he was surely asleep, but like a good boy woke up and gave me a few reassuring movements. I’m up like this every night, almost every hour or two. It’s horrible because I can’t handle the fear at night. During the day I can keep track of his movements and thus do not worry as much, but at night the minute I realize I’m asleep and I wake back up the dread strikes me again until I feel him move. I wish my doctor would deliver Jax now. I know he’s healthy and strong and I feel he’ll do just fine if he is delivered early, but I can’t say I feel confident he’ll be okay if we keep waiting for the c section date they gave us (9/23). Either I want him delivered ASAP or to be kept at the hospital to be monitored until they do. I just can’t keep carrying all this responsibility on my shoulders myself. It’s so scary because Owen was fine one moment and then he wasn’t, so I get so worried I may miss the moment when Jax may need to come out like his brother. I would hate to be kept in the hospital for a long time because then Naomi will miss me, but her dad and Aunt Donna are able to take care of her and I think we need this for my sanity and to keep Jax safe. I’m going to call tomorrow to try to see what the doctor will do for us. It’s just too much for me now and I’m sure it’s not healthy for Jax either to be constantly feeling my stress and be woken up all night. Praying he will be okay until we can deliver him. All I want is my healthy baby boy in my arms, alive and well.

The mobile you can see above me to left was the one I lovingly crafted to hang above Owen’s crib. So bittersweet to be able to use these items now with our second son.
A much needed, rare outing with the girls to get a bite to eat. One of the only times I left the house during bedrest.
A few more items from my online shopping for our boy. Something about buying something to visualize him here really helped me through this scary period of not knowing what the next day would bring. Thankfully he arrived safely!
This one was tiny, so he would only get to wear it once or twice as a newborn, but I loved it…
The design on the back was a sweet reminder for me that his brother Owen was watching over Jax.
My friend Jennifer was so sweet to come to our house to take maternity photos since I couldn’t leave due to my strict bedrest. These photos are so special to me, especially since this dress was the one I planned to wear for our pregnancy right after Owen for monthly bump photos (which sadly ended in my 2nd miscarriage). I’m also wearing my Owen and Naomi rings, so all my babies were represented.
Photo Credit: Juniper J Photography
These weekly bump photos were taken full of hope, but also with a tender heart, knowing how painful it is to lose a baby and feeling like there was never a “safe” period. I just wanted to have as many photos with Jax alive inside of me to treasure no matter what would happen.
Since I didn’t get to go back home after my appointment, I almost didn’t get to take the last weekly photo, but I had Josh bring my dress to the hospital. I was determined to document every single week of this pregnancy. I knew this would likely be our last pregnancy, which also made it incredibly important to me to have photos of these precious moments with my baby bump. I loved being pregnant and feeling all my babies move, despite how scary pregnancy became after our first loss.

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