Our sweet baby boy. We love your cute little face. Daddy was watching the ultrasound on FaceTime from work and the doctor kept pointing out your little winky, saying it’s a boy. Ha. I guess he thinks daddy wants you to be a boy and truthfully that makes daddy happy, but no matter your gender, daddy and I will be so thankful to have you! So glad you’re doing ok in there. Now we just need you to keep growing strong and healthy!
This week was a time of getting used to bedrest. The first week was a bit rough since I’m not used to laying around so much and having others do things for me. But now I get up a little more for a bite from the kitchen and have a bed in the office so I’m a bit more comfortable.
I stopped wearing the awfully hot and uncomfortable compression tights last week as the nurse said getting up to use the use the bathroom was enough circulation. We had dinner on Sunday for my dad and my bday and enjoyed my favorite meal, mom’s quiche.
Naomi has been struggling with me being unable to take her to and from school but I got her the Barbie with a bike she’s been wishing for because of her bravery while I was at the hospital and keep reminding her we’re doing this so baby brother can be healthy. I know it’s hard for her to have other people taking care of her and driving her to school as she’s used to me doing it, but we all are having to make sacrifices for this baby we all want so much.
This detailed schedule is what I gave my mom so she could take over with all of Naomi’s activities since I could no longer take here or pick her up. It was crazy! Thankful for my mom’s ability to fill in.
Our cerclage surgery follow up apt went great! Daddy was unable to take me as he had to work later, so we had a scary ride with mom driving us. She’s not used to van or the LA traffic!
Thankfully though the check-up on me and baby Jax went well. We saw his face a little clearer and watched him move his arm around. With another appointment behind us, I feel more hopeful that our little boy is going to be ok.
I finished crocheting his rainbow trapper beanie and a few things for the sprinkle.
Also printed out the pics of the pregnancy so far to hang on an old vintage looking door we got on FB to display at the shower. Tami also offered to give us her baby carseat and Mamaroo to use, which will save us more money on big item purchases. I feel so thankful and blessed knowing everyone loves Jax as much as us. Another week closer! 🙏🏼
This week was all about bedrest. Figuring out how to do it and getting used to it. After the cerclage surgery I was told to be on bedrest with bathroom privileges. Thankfully my pregnancy body pillow arrived the day after I got home as it’s made laying around a little more comfortable. Also the nurse said I didn’t have to wear these uncomfortable and hot compression tights the hospital gave me because I was getting some circulation walking to and from the bathroom.
Note: Doppler was only to ease my mind in between kick counting and appointments, but never to be used for reassurance. If you notice a change in movement, always go in to get checked! The heartbeat is the last to go.
5/24/17 (21 weeks 1 day)
End of the 20th wk! Wow, this one was a hard one. Pretty much was smooth sailing but then we went in for our 20 wk anatomy scan (see previous post). We had the usual fears but it seemed to be going well. All of Jax’s measurements were normal, but then the doctor tried to measure my cervix. After switching to a transvaginal ultrasound I asked if my cervix was short (something I had heard about but didn’t necessarily think it would happen to us) and he said it was (2.2-2.4 cm). Scared out of my mind, he said to get dressed and he’d come discuss the options: Progesterone shots (didn’t think that’d work for us since mine was already getting short and that’s used more to prevent it when you have prior incidents of IC or catch it around 14 weeks), termination (not at all an option we would ever consider), and cerclage (75% effective, but in his opinion the best chance for saving the baby). So of course we went with the last option and booked my surgery for Saturday morning.
I spent the next two days on bed rest at home and had a friend take Naomi to and from school. Good thing we decided to do that despite the doctor not requiring it because my cervix shortened to 2 cm and was 1 cm dilated by the surgery time. We had a wonderful nurse Juliet who prepped me for surgery with a kind and reassuring anesthesiologist Dr. Hong. I prayed so much for my son’s life. During the 15 minute surgery I didn’t stop praying and asking God to work a miracle through Doctor Tabsh’s hands. That they were His hands, not the Doctors (because humans are imperfect but God could make sure the surgery was successful). Thankfully the Shridokar transvaginal cerclage surgery went well and the cervix length was lengthened to 3 cm.
Recovery was very painful, meds didn’t seem to work. But they said in 24 hours the pain would be a lot less, which was true. By day two I didn’t need the meds after the morning dosage. However that early morning I noticed some wetness and pointed out the discharge to the nurse. She said it had some blood and could be amniotic fluid. We tested positive but they said it could be a false positive. Again totally not what we were expecting and we were so afraid that after all that our baby was still going to come. As we waited for Doctor to come in to check on me (was supposed to be early morning but ended up being 5 pm), we prayed constantly and had many people praying for us. I was watching Hillsong United and the pastor said to write down your goals and prayers specifically. So I did – I declared Jax’s amniotic fluid did not break, he would come to full term and be born healthy, we would Baptize him, we would raise him with our daughter and so on. Then I refused to listen to anyone who said otherwise. By a miracle of God the doctor said it was not amniotic fluid and we asked for an ultrasound to confirm, which he did for us and everything was fine. Stitch looked good on my cervix and there was no fluid in the vaginal area leaking from the sack. I have never felt so happy and relieved in my life! Since that moment, the weight of all the fear of this pregnancy that I’ve been carrying around was lifted. I now knew God’s promise was to help our son live and was so grateful as I walked in the door from the car that I was home that Sunday night with our baby still with us. I cried so many tears of gratitude and held onto hope.
Also since this happened, my mom and dad came to take care of Naomi for us and my mom is staying for weeks. Many of my friends have come by for a visit bringing flowers and food. My Real Life church mom group coordinated a dinner train and have been blessing us with meals all week and next week. Before this I was feeling so alone and like I had no support but God showed me that I have a village ready to help if I am willing to accept it and that many people are so happy for us and eager to meet our son. I will never forget how wonderful they have all been and how God has restored my faith that He can do all things, even in moments when it seems impossible, because He does the impossible! He is a miracle worker and the birth of my son at full term will be a testimony to His greatness.
Woke up laying on my right side and panicked that I could be cutting off blood flow to Jax. Tried to move him around to feel his reassuring movements for a bit but I know he’s small and could be resting. Little panicked I decided to write back to my pen pal Kelly and then lay on my back again until Jax started to thump away! Oh those first few kicks were so beautiful to feel! Thankful my little boy is okay and reassuring mommy that he’s fine. I’m sure he wants me to turn to my left side and get some sleep, which I will as soon as I pee. 🙂
Note to pregnant mommas: Stillbirth prevention research suggests that side sleep is the best way to increase blood flow to your baby at night. It doesn’t have to be your left side, though that has usually been advised. If you accidentally wake up on your back, just readjust like I did! The way you fall asleep is normally how you likely slept the longest.
5/17/17
Today’s ultrasound went well up until the point the doctor asked me to go pee as my bladder wasn’t full enough so he wanted to do an internal ultrasound to measure my cervix. My OB is always so serious and quiet when he’s doing them, so I am shaking like a leaf the entire time worried I’m about to get more bad news. Unfortunately, there was an issue, though luckily it isn’t that Jax has a problem. My cervix was short (2.2-2.4) so we have to have a cerclage surgery Saturday morning to keep Jax in longer. He needs more time and we don’t know how quickly my cervix will keep shortening. A lot to process in a night, but tomorrow I’ll do more research on all this. Never thought this could happen with it not being something I have any prior risk factors for, but I did always have a fear of the baby just coming out for some reason. I’m thankful we found this early enough to do something to help him stay inside and praying it will all go well.
5/20/17
We are at the hospital now waiting to do the cerclage which we hope will help keep you inside my womb until full term. We love you so much Jax and hope to be your parents on earth. Please stay strong and stay with us.
I’m getting ready to rest a bit in my recovery room. Just been very sore and tired since the surgery, but thankful it went well. I prayed during the entire procedure which felt like it took an hour, but was really only 15 mins. I felt God’s presence and protection over us and Doctor Tabish, the nurses and anesthesiologist couldn’t have been better or kinder. Still feeling Jax kicking so he’s reminding me that he’s ok too. So relieved to be done with the cerclage surgery! God’s hands were at work on me and I am thankful Jackson is safe within my womb. Turns out my cervix was only 2 cm long today and I was dilated 1 cm, so I’m extremely grateful this was caught when it was. Thankful for another day with our baby boy and that we will hopefully get to full term and deliver our son in perfect health.
Josh and I have grown even closer together and all the support, love and prayers we received from our family and friends is so humbling and makes my heart overflow with gratitude. Naomi had a wonderful day too spent with my parents and her cousin, Hali, at her house, then dinner and ice-cream and a slumber party at our place with Hali. Thankful she was having so much fun and hopefully was not worried about her mommy. God has once again shown us his love and grace today. Thank you Jesus for all your blessings.
5/21/17
I wrote these declarations of life and hope to read to myself over and over until it either becomes true or I can at least be calmer. I’m determined to speak as though we are guaranteed all these things because I’m hoping that will make them come true! (Thanks to Oprah for sharing the idea of the law of attraction, which I have always tried to use.) Even if it just helps to lower my stress a bit, it’s what I’ll do and hopefully it will make Jackson feel all my positive vibes and keep him wanting to stay with us. Who knows how these things work right?
I declare:
I am not leaking amniotic fluid
I do not have a puncture, rupture or leak of Jax’s sac
I have normal discharge from the surgery, the surgery has gone perfectly and I will recover well and keep Jackson safe within my womb
I will carry my baby to full term (37 weeks or more)
I will be strong and not let my faith be shaken
I will enjoy this pregnancy and be grateful for each day
I will be healthy and in the good hands of my medical team, who’s actions are guided by the Lord
I will not worry, doubt or let fear make me question the promise God has placed in my heart to have our son Jackson born healthy and full term.
I will baptize my son Jackson in front of family and the church when he’s born
I will raise my son and watch him grow to fulfill God’s will for his life
I will treasure every day of our lives
I will praise and worship God with all my soul
I will testify to all of His goodness
I will help comfort the broken hearted and afraid families struggling with loss or infertility
I will enjoy a healthy and full life along with all my children and my husband
Thank you Lord Jesus for all your blessings and for the peace you offer even in times of struggle.
One of my most & least favorite times. Thankfully, all of them had gone pretty well, but I felt like I was on pins & needles until the nurse would tell me everything looked good.
My fluid level was 6.5 today at my apt. (low but not critical), so I have been admitted for monitoring and to have fluids by IV. Feeling relieved to be staying to be monitored though getting that news was extremely unnerving. If fluids increase Dr. Tabsh will send me home, but if not they have doctors here that can deliver Jax at anytime, so I was glad to be able to stay under their watchful care.
I was crying a lot in my appointment. I was so scared because Doctor T. was quiet for a while and then called the nurse in, which usually means he’s going to deliver bad news. So I almost had a heart-attack and asked him if there’s something wrong. He said “oh no, no, I wouldn’t call them in if there was something wrong”. (And he chuckled, not knowing I was petrified.) I think he thought I was saying he needed help to do a simple ultrasound, but I was remembering how he called a second person in the room when something was wrong in the past (and we were having a missed miscarriage), so that’s why I freaked out thinking once again we were going to be told there was a problem with our baby.
My sunshine girl, always brightened my mood and gave me so much hope. Knowing I was able to safely deliver her was the only reassurance I had that my body could do it again. I loved having her with me, though I wish she didn’t have to see this scary side of pregnancy so young (but we usually didn’t have someone to watch her for us).
After I calmed down, Josh took Naomi and Aunt Donna home. I’m in a shared room (with a newborn baby crying) until I finish eating and then they’ll hopefully have a private room available for me. Those newborn whimpers are sweet, but making me a little anxious. I pray Jax is born healthy and strong so I can hear his cries too!
There was a limited selection for me with my vegetarian diet on the hospital menu so this is what I was having. I was trying to be super health conscious (after watching “What the Health” during my many hours spent with my BFF Netflix while on bedrest). I was so thankful not have to bother someone to make me food at home anymore & just be able to focus on hearing our baby’s reassuring heartbeat on the monitor waiting for his delivery date.
Our sprinkle last weekend was everything I dreamt of and more! So many of our close family and friends were able to make it and all the meaningful little details I wanted to include came out perfectly. I made a lot of the signage and crocheted decor pieces (including the favor candles) in my spare time while on bedrest. The day of I had so much help from my sisters (who also did all the shopping), hubby (who not only was my set up Superman and a wonderful party host but also customized an antique door for me for decor), Mom and MIL (both also took turns staying with us for weeks to take care of us during my bedrest), Dad, brother, SIL, and friends who all worked together on the food and setup, so I actually didn’t feel like I was too overwhelmed. Special shout out and thank you to my super detailed friend Mayla who always makes me feel so at ease at my events because I know she’ll get everything done with style and who loaned us her custom-made donut wall, cocktail tables, chairs and platters plus made the delicious Wisconsin cheese platter! And thank you to Kathrin for all her items she offered to let us borrow to make our party pretty and for those yummy rainbow pretzel sticks her sister made! Of course I’m so thankful to have my sisters who helped and encouraged me throughout the planning to have this sprinkle and came a long way (from Florida and San Jose) to help make my dream party come true. I’m so glad I didn’t let the fear of another loss keep me from enjoying this moment in our rainbow pregnancy.
My heart is overjoyed knowing how much Jax is loved already. We requested diapers only since we have many of our daughter’s baby items saved but still got a lot of cute and useful gifts on top of plenty of diapers to start us off! Seeing all of Jackson’s gifts also really helped me visualize our son coming home. Now that we are 26 weeks I feel better knowing Jax is viable and each day that passes, as we continue to fight IC, we are getting closer to delivering a healthy baby. I am beyond thankful to God for this new life that I’m carrying and feel blessed to be this far along, experiencing Jackson’s strong kicks and summersaults, and being able to let myself dream about his arrival.
Beside documenting this special day, I wanted to share my experience on my blog in case any other PAL moms and dads are trying to decide if you want to have a shower. I think it’s a beautiful occasion and every baby deserves to be celebrated, but I understand the anxiety too. My husband wasn’t as sure about doing it because he’s concerned still with our experience of a 32 week loss, but was supportive of my desire to have the sprinkle despite his valid fears. We didn’t have a shower for our angel thinking we had enough hand-me-downs and we’d do something to celebrate him after he was born, but we didn’t get to, so I felt it was important to have one for our next, and possibly last, baby. After enduring 5 pregnancies in 6 years and three losses, I truly think we deserve to be celebrated too and for at least one day allow ourselves to be excited for this miracle we are still getting to see grow and will hopefully get to raise. Who else had a shower for their rainbows? Were you happy that you did it? Let me know how you celebrated! ????????
We are so thankful for all the thoughtful gifts we received for Jax, but this one was beyond special so I just have to point it out. I cried when I first saw it. My sister had made a blanket for our angel Owen with the other piece of the same fabric and we laid him to rest wrapped in it. So my heart is just so overwhelmed with emotions knowing our rainbow was gifted this blanket from my sister and mom (who sewed this one). ???? Our son Jackson is due on his big brother’s birthday so we always felt that he was handpicked for Earth by Owen for us. We couldn’t be more excited to meet him!
We had our 24 week appointment today. That’s right, we made it to the first viability milestone! Baby Jax is doing well, praise the Lord! He’s measuring on track, 1.7 lbs. My cervix is holding up and a little longer now too (3.3 cm), so bedrest is working. That was such a stressful ultrasound though! My High Risk OB was measuring Jax’s brain area so many times (turns out whatever it was is still within normal limits) and was just super quiet the entire scan (as is his usual professional style). I was having a panic attack waiting for him to finish the ultrasound. I could literally feel my heart beating out of my chest as I gripped my husband’s arm! I was definitely worried and scared that we were planning for our Sprinkle this month and buying stuff for Jax, and something could be wrong. Of course more than all that, we would be devastated if anything happened to him because we love him so much already. But thank God he’s keeping our little boy healthy and growing well.
I was a mess after, asking my OB if Jax was ok and if everything looked fine (tears and all). Luckily he has compassion for me and when I asked if we can start doing NST’s (Non Stress Tests to monitor baby’s heartbeat at the hospital) early he said he would do that for me if it’ll help me feel better. He asked “how early, 30 weeks”, and I requested “how about 28, because we lost our son at 32 and I want to know if they see any changes in Jax’s patterns”. So he said ok. He also noted that right now my anxiety is at an orange level and by that time it’ll be more like red level, but he assured me that everything is ok. I was so emotional because we still don’t know what caused the loss of our other son in the last trimester, but my OB said most likely it was a cord accident, a 1/9,000 thing and it just happened to us. To which I replied that that’s why I’m still scared because I know Jax is fine now, but anything can happen. So hopefully by having the NST’s done earlier I can get a little reassurance though I know I’ll be a wreck during and after them until Jax is born! I just kept praying during the ultrasound asking God to please make Jax perfect and to help rid me of my fears. This pregnancy is just so tough but I’m trying my best to be all in and not be afraid of another loss. Despite the heartache and stress, I am so thankful to be at this stage carrying a healthy baby boy and I am doing everything I can to be in the moment, bond with Jax and enjoy feeling his kicks.
Lesson learned this week, always ask for what you need. I’m still coming down from my emotional rollercoaster, but feeling more at ease now that my OB agreed to earlier NST’s. Hopefully the next appointment in little over two weeks will be another good one, but as always we just have to take this pregnancy one moment at a time.
