After our apt. on 3/3/17 we were excited to send a photo of us with our sweet pea to our family back home even though we knew this was just the beginning of a long road ahead filled with uncertainty.
Date night
Sign from Owen
We’ve never been a couple that go out much because we don’t like to leave our kids (especially after our loss), but Josh surprised me with tickets to one of my favorite bands (Red Hot Chili Peppers) and it was a welcome distraction from the constant worrying. Also, we got a beautiful sign from Owen, the most beautiful butterfly wing lights. I’ve always felt a connection with Owen when listening to music, I think he would’ve been a music lover too.
3/14/17
Feeling little flutters of movement since week 8 or 9 when I’m laying down, meditating or resting. Could it be our little sweet pea?? It’s a bit earlier than most people feel the movements, but it’s my 5th pregnancy and I feel very connected to this little one. So in love with our baby and hopeful that all will be well.
Hearing the heartbeat is a momentous experience. If you’ve been blessed with this experience you won’t ever forget it. We of course have a mixture of joy and fear every time, but that doesn’t take away from how special this was to know our baby was alive.
3/19/17
Had what felt like round ligament pain (in groin area; tmi but I keep specific notes for my doctors) while standing waiting for the elevator after having dinner and watching a movie. Not too severe and was ok in car. Went away after we got out of the shower and laid down for bed. (Of course I was taking notes of every random occurrence because you never know what it may mean.)
Another week over. I can tell you, my excitement was still meek because this is still early enough for miscarriage (which I did experience twice) and I know anything can go wrong even later in pregnancy (as we lost Owen at almost 32 weeks). Prayer was my main method of survival through each passing week.
We took the first pic when we found out we were pregnant (I decided then and there to celebrate each second with our little one), but I chose to have the striped stretchy dress on for all the belly pics to come. Hopeful this time I’d get to see my belly grow to full term in these photos, but either way I wanted to have as many memories documented with our baby as I could. My daughter Naomi took most of these pics for me. It was our special bonding time with her sibling and she became a good little photographer.
1/24/17
Josh and I found out we are pregnant for the 5th time and we are in a state of disbelief, concern and hesitant joy. We had waited to try again until we got back all our genetic testing to make sure there wasn’t a reason that our pregnancies were not going well (unfortunately insurance doesn’t cover genetic testing until your third loss! Thanks America). We got the call while walking around Universal Studios with our daughter and it was as if the clouds around us parted for the first time and we could see the sun shining through. They told us they found no issues with either of us genetically that would cause our recurrent losses. Though that was great news, we also were still feeling lost because now we had no cause for what was going on and didn’t know how to stop a loss from occurring again. Still we decided we would try one more time and thankfully had no trouble getting pregnant (staying pregnant has always been our issue). To our utter amazement, when I looked up the baby’s potential due date it was 10/3! Owen’s birthday! Well, if that wasn’t a sign, we don’t know what is. At first that made me a little uneasy because I didn’t want our new baby’s birth to overshadow Owen’s special day and for anyone to see our rainbow even more as a replacement for our son. I wanted the new baby to have his own birthday and identity, separate from Owen, but also most importantly for Owen’s birthday to be his and not shared with his new sibling (though he does share birthdays with his grandpa Rickie already). Still, it did give me so much joy to think that this baby was hand-picked by his brother in heaven and I took the coincidence of the matching date to be a clear sign that our rainbow baby would be looked after by Owen.
The second line was so faint (we used cheap Dollar Store tests bc I didn’t want to waste any money after so many attempts), so Josh didn’t believe me when I said it was positive, but I knew it!
Some of the prayers that I gathered for myself on my Pinterest board to keep me motivated and thinking positive about our pregnancies. These words, especially the last, were read over and over in moments of disappear and worry to try to keep my mind from going off the deep end with my constant fears and to send good vibes to our baby.
2/15/17 Our Rainbow Baby’s Ultrasound!
The moment we saw our baby for the first time. You can hear the measured excitement in our voices. Trying hard to let ourselves gain hope without being too in love right away (as if it’s possible not to be), just in case this baby didn’t make it like the others. Still, it’s such a special memory to look back on now and I’m so thankful our daughter finally got to have a living sibling.
Our sweet rainbow growing strong. Terror kicked in every time we had an ultrasound. We prayed so much for this baby, but of course still worried we could have another loss because of our experience.
3/9/17 (10 Weeks)
We decided to keep the news of our pregnancy private until we get much further along. Even though we’re excited and hopeful, we are starting to feel like we may be jinxing ourselves by sharing our pregnancies too soon (which of course isn’t a thing). Today I slipped and told my good friend Leila about our pregnancy on the phone. I wanted to wait till I saw her, but I know it’ll be a while so it would have to be over the phone anyway. She was happy and positive, as I’m sure everyone else will be. Can’t wait to be able to feel safe enough to share our news with more people, though I’m not sure when that safe period will be since to us no point of pregnancy is anymore. Wish we could naively share the news like others do who don’t have a history of loss. Even finding out you’re pregnant feels so different when you’ve had multiple losses. The hope is so meek and hidden under layers of fear, but it’s still there wishing for this baby to be ours to take home.
Working on my rainbow baby’s first crocheted blanket. This would be the first of many projects that I make to pass the time & get my mind off my worries. As I make each stitch, I try to visualize our healthy, living baby wrapped in it.
The beginning of our baby’s wardrobe starting with the first that I bought on 1/17, when he was just a twinkle in his father’s eye. I didn’t know then I was pregnant but we had started trying. I only bought items I found on sale that were gender neutral. Every time I started panicking that my baby wasn’t going to make it, I’d go online to shop for something else to allow myself to dream of him being born alive and well and one day wearing these cute outfits. I’m not sure if that visualization practice helped, or just kept me from breaking down, but it worked for me.
Pregnancy after loss can be long and torturous as every day brings you closer to hopefully meeting your baby, but also is one more day that could be closer to losing them. I had to come up with ways to keep my mind from falling down the rabbit hole of despair which I attempted to do with a mixture of hobbies/crafts, reading (to the baby, Naomi and myself), meditating, praying, shopping, playing with my daughter, watching Netflix and spending time with my husband and our loved ones. Whatever you can do to keep your mind off the time helps, so if you are PAL or going through another trial in life I hope you find what works for you and keep pushing forward each day.
My mantra always remains through PAL and beyond, “We can do hard things”. -Glennon Doyle
One of my most & least favorite times. Thankfully, all of them had gone pretty well, but I felt like I was on pins & needles until the nurse would tell me everything looked good.
My fluid level was 6.5 today at my apt. (low but not critical), so I have been admitted for monitoring and to have fluids by IV. Feeling relieved to be staying to be monitored though getting that news was extremely unnerving. If fluids increase Dr. Tabsh will send me home, but if not they have doctors here that can deliver Jax at anytime, so I was glad to be able to stay under their watchful care.
I was crying a lot in my appointment. I was so scared because Doctor T. was quiet for a while and then called the nurse in, which usually means he’s going to deliver bad news. So I almost had a heart-attack and asked him if there’s something wrong. He said “oh no, no, I wouldn’t call them in if there was something wrong”. (And he chuckled, not knowing I was petrified.) I think he thought I was saying he needed help to do a simple ultrasound, but I was remembering how he called a second person in the room when something was wrong in the past (and we were having a missed miscarriage), so that’s why I freaked out thinking once again we were going to be told there was a problem with our baby.
My sunshine girl, always brightened my mood and gave me so much hope. Knowing I was able to safely deliver her was the only reassurance I had that my body could do it again. I loved having her with me, though I wish she didn’t have to see this scary side of pregnancy so young (but we usually didn’t have someone to watch her for us).
After I calmed down, Josh took Naomi and Aunt Donna home. I’m in a shared room (with a newborn baby crying) until I finish eating and then they’ll hopefully have a private room available for me. Those newborn whimpers are sweet, but making me a little anxious. I pray Jax is born healthy and strong so I can hear his cries too!
There was a limited selection for me with my vegetarian diet on the hospital menu so this is what I was having. I was trying to be super health conscious (after watching “What the Health” during my many hours spent with my BFF Netflix while on bedrest). I was so thankful not have to bother someone to make me food at home anymore & just be able to focus on hearing our baby’s reassuring heartbeat on the monitor waiting for his delivery date.
Trying to get my mind off my worries for a bit, following someone’s tutorial for taking a silhouette photo of my bump with my phone.
Just woke up feeling like I was about to lose my plug or water was breaking. I was so freaked out. I hurried to the bathroom, but there was nothing coming out at all. I peed then laid down only to feel my stress level rising wondering if Jax was okay and trying to wake him up by gently squeezing my belly until he moved. Poor baby, he was surely asleep, but like a good boy woke up and gave me a few reassuring movements. I’m up like this every night, almost every hour or two. It’s horrible because I can’t handle the fear at night. During the day I can keep track of his movements and thus do not worry as much, but at night the minute I realize I’m asleep and I wake back up the dread strikes me again until I feel him move. I wish my doctor would deliver Jax now. I know he’s healthy and strong and I feel he’ll do just fine if he is delivered early, but I can’t say I feel confident he’ll be okay if we keep waiting for the c section date they gave us (9/23). Either I want him delivered ASAP or to be kept at the hospital to be monitored until they do. I just can’t keep carrying all this responsibility on my shoulders myself. It’s so scary because Owen was fine one moment and then he wasn’t, so I get so worried I may miss the moment when Jax may need to come out like his brother. I would hate to be kept in the hospital for a long time because then Naomi will miss me, but her dad and Aunt Donna are able to take care of her and I think we need this for my sanity and to keep Jax safe. I’m going to call tomorrow to try to see what the doctor will do for us. It’s just too much for me now and I’m sure it’s not healthy for Jax either to be constantly feeling my stress and be woken up all night. Praying he will be okay until we can deliver him. All I want is my healthy baby boy in my arms, alive and well.
The mobile you can see above me to left was the one I lovingly crafted to hang above Owen’s crib. So bittersweet to be able to use these items now with our second son.
A much needed, rare outing with the girls to get a bite to eat. One of the only times I left the house during bedrest.A few more items from my online shopping for our boy. Something about buying something to visualize him here really helped me through this scary period of not knowing what the next day would bring. Thankfully he arrived safely!
This one was tiny, so he would only get to wear it once or twice as a newborn, but I loved it…
The design on the back was a sweet reminder for me that his brother Owen was watching over Jax.
My friend Jennifer was so sweet to come to our house to take maternity photos since I couldn’t leave due to my strict bedrest. These photos are so special to me, especially since this dress was the one I planned to wear for our pregnancy right after Owen for monthly bump photos (which sadly ended in my 2nd miscarriage). I’m also wearing my Owen and Naomi rings, so all my babies were represented. Photo Credit: Juniper J PhotographyThese weekly bump photos were taken full of hope, but also with a tender heart, knowing how painful it is to lose a baby and feeling like there was never a “safe” period. I just wanted to have as many photos with Jax alive inside of me to treasure no matter what would happen.Since I didn’t get to go back home after my appointment, I almost didn’t get to take the last weekly photo, but I had Josh bring my dress to the hospital. I was determined to document every single week of this pregnancy. I knew this would likely be our last pregnancy, which also made it incredibly important to me to have photos of these precious moments with my baby bump. I loved being pregnant and feeling all my babies move, despite how scary pregnancy became after our first loss.
So today I decided to take all the tags off your new clothes to wash them next week when my mom is here. She’s going to bring some hand me downs from your cousin Leandro so I’ll wash everything all at once. I filled a whole basket with your new clothes. I was surprised how much you have. A lot of it I bought early on when I was excited about being pregnant but worried because it was too soon to feel movements. So I shopped whenever I was starting to worry to try to bond with you and collected a lot of cute onesies I found on sale. It felt like a big step to cut the tags. But I feel it’s the right time and I want to get prepared for when you are here. I have anxiety that it could be sooner than full term because we lost your brother at 32 weeks. But today we did another NST and you were very active and your heartbeat was strong and normal so we only had to stay 30 minutes. The nurse said you were doing everything she wants a baby to do. So I do feel a little more reassured tonight as you wiggle in my tummy before bed. Love you so much, even when you’re making it hard to sleep. Your family is so excited to meet you. Naomi can’t wait to hold you and help me push you along in the stroller! She’s going to be a great big sister!
Unless you’re a loss parent, you may not be able to understand the significance of this moment. It means finally letting your guard down a little and allowing yourself to believe your baby may actually make it home to be able to wear these new clothes one day. You’re basically taking a risk cutting those tags and telling yourself you won’t have to return them.
Naomi having snacks while she waits for mommy’s NST to be over. She went to most of our appointments and was such a good, patient girl, as long as she had something to eat! Though NST’s made me nervous, they also gave us some reassurance that for at least that moment our son was still ok.
This was the most heightened time for our anxiety as we approached 32 weeks (the gestation we lost our son Owen)
7/21/17
Took a trip to Target to get Jackson’s rainbow shirt and a few other missing baby essentials. Glad they have electric carts here, so I wasn’t breaking my bedrest too much. Exciting to feel a little more prepared for my boy to hopefully come home this time.
If you were PAL in 2017, you most likely ran to Target to get this rainbow onesie! It was the most shared find on IG, we all had to have it! Even though I was on bedrest, I had permission to take short trips when necessary & this for me was a must for my boy.
My sweet girl in her big sister shirt proudly holding her second little brother’s matching outfit.
Some of the items I bought at Target for our rainbow. This was so different than Owen’s pregnancy when I didn’t buy him much because I felt he could just use Naomi’s gender neutral hand me downs. I wanted it to feel real that Jax would get to come home, even if it was a risk to buy him more clothes of his own.
This is bedrest at home. Tray full of snacks, so I could watch a movie with my girl and not get up at all. Not the way most imagine spending their pregnancy, but the 17 weeks of bedrest, though quite trying, were worth our little boy’s safe arrival.
7/23/17
Just lounging in my bathing suit to cool off after working in the garage this morning to sort out the baby things we had from when Naomi was a baby. It was so hot, my face was red so I’m drinking water and relaxing on the couch for a bit while daddy finishes up organizing the bins in the garage. We have so much baby stuff! Now we have to wash everything when my mom gets here and figure out where to put everything inside. Feeling good about getting ready for you baby. You just kicked as I took this pic! Love you Jax!
The most action my bathing suit got all summer, since I couldn’t swim!
Felt stretched to my limit, but there’s still some growing for us to do. Amazing what our bodies are capable of!
Found one of the few onesies that we had bought for Owen (he is buried in the other onesie from this set in fact.) Will be an extremely emotional day when we see Jax in it.
Ultrasounds give me the worst anxiety, but the greatest relief when they’re done. I can then say to myself, “all is well today”.
As we get closer to passing 32 weeks and hopefully meeting our son Jax I think my grief for Owen has gotten stronger, mainly because I feel sad that he’s not here too but also because I am worried that people will act like this baby fixes everything and that’s not right. Jax is going to add joy and make us happy in his own way but it’s impossible for anyone to erase the grief we have over Owen and I worry if they know we had another boy they’ll just think everything is fine now. Strange thoughts maybe but I just don’t want Owen to be forgotten and I don’t want that burden on Jax of making everyone happy. I’m just sure I’ll get defensive when anyone makes any comments about me having one daughter and one son or anything that suggests he’s better or stronger, etc. People say things trying to be nice and cheerful but those type of comments hurt me greatly. So on top of worrying about having him be born healthy I have that added layer of worry over what’s going to be said to us after he’s here. I’ll def make sure to announce and post about him while mentioning that he’s not going to replace our other son and that we are still grieving Owen so that hopefully people will realize that they have to be careful with saying anything hurtful but I can imagine someone will not know how I feel and say the wrong thing without meaning to upset me.
Like a family member on the phone yesterday said something about how this boy is going to be big (her usual choice of word that bothers me) and healthy, so I decided to tell her that while I hope that’s true and we will be happy to have him that I hope she realizes we are still going to be sad about Owen and I don’t want anyone thinking that Jax is going to replace him. She said oh no, we still miss Owen and think of him. I’m glad I said that to her because she has the habit of focusing on this baby and to me it has felt like she thinks this is going to make us a perfect little family with a boy and girl. But hopefully now she’ll be more sensitive.
Anyway, that’s my thing for this week as I get to the point where we were when we lost Owen. Just feeling melancholy and missing him, plus a little scared, but also thankful we are getting further along.
The birth of our third child, our much prayed for second son, is almost surely the most cathartic and fulfilling moment of my adult life to date. While having our first born daughter safely delivered in our arms was beautiful, miraculous and awe-inspiring as well, the birth of a child after multiple losses brings with it so many emotions that are far more intense than one could imagine you could feel before loss. Having a baby is the closest we’ll ever be to experiencing the power of God. Seeing how from an egg and sperm that joined together our bodies can grow a perfect little human that magically is brought to life from our womb is just mind blowing to me. Every time I’ve held our newborn babies I immediately fell in love and thought to myself, “Wow we made you? You were in there all this time?” Meeting our littlest son after the devastation of having miscarried, then lost his brother Owen at close to 32 weeks of pregnancy, then miscarried again, was a moment I long dreamt of, but never truly believe would happen for us until that moment he was in our arms.
The vision board I created for my pregnancy with my rainbow baby. So many hopes & dreams right here that I prayed over non-stop! (And yes, he was due on his brother Owen’s birthdate by chance/divine plan)
To recap the pregnancy was far from perfect or easy. We had the anxiety to be expected of a PAL (Pregnancy After Loss) couple; Fearful every moment would be our last. Nights of insomnia filled with worry that I would miss a moment when my son stopped moving and it would be too late when I woke up to save him. Flashbacks of our loss. And from the beginning I had a nagging worry that for some reason I would have a premature delivery and my baby wouldn’t survive. I don’t know where that fear came from, probably because my brother’s girlfriend tragically lost a baby after us from her water breaking suddenly and then my sister sadly lost twins from terrible, unexpected complications in the second trimester. But based on my own history, I had no reason to assume my water would break early. I still decided to take it super easy during my pregnancy, not even going for walks though I know being fit is good for most pregnancies. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that if I did too much, I could lose this baby too. Sure enough at our 20 week appointment, after having the anatomy fully scanned and things seemingly going well, my doctor called in his nurse to deliver some terrifying news. My heart sank and my eyes began to flood as I feared the worse. Thankfully it was something we could act on. The doctor informed us that my cervix had begun shortening. We had the option of a cerclage which wasn’t a guarantee (“In lesser skilled hands”) but our amazing doctor had been successful with this method in many, many pregnancies before ours. We trusted our doctor (Dr. Tabsh) and his team fully, so we booked the surgery for that weekend and I put myself on at home bedrest until that morning. Good thing that I did, by the time of the surgery I had begun to dilate 1 cm as well. I was a complete wreck going into the surgery but had reached out to a support group online that sent me a prayer over our son that I read that morning which gave me a sense of peace. As I lay in the OR, my doctor and nurses cheerfully chatted and joked with each other which put me at ease since they apparently felt things were going smoothly. The entire time I just prayed for the doctor’s hands to act as God’s hands, so that he would skillful and be able to help keep my baby safe inside of me. After recovery we were sent home and that very moment I walked back in the house through the garage door I exhaled for the first time in days thanking God for letting me walk back in with my baby still in my womb. Tears of joy and gratitude rushed out of my eyes. We still had our baby boy with us.
Fast forward past 17 weeks of bedrest at home where I spent the majority of my time laying on the coach watching Netflix, crocheting and reading with the occasional visitor or trip to the doctor’s office and permission to attend a couple special events for our daughter (I will share more about this challenging experience in a later post). We were now at 31 weeks and 2 days having been admitted to the hospital after our last appointment due to low fluid levels. In reality the level wasn’t so drastically low, but low enough that our doctor didn’t want to take chances with us because of our history and we were too afraid to have me leave without our son being born after that so we begged to be kept there on the monitor and IV fluids until they could let us schedule our c section. This was another turning point for our bumpy pregnancy journey, but though I wished to be home with our daughter and my husband, I was so thankful to have been able to stay at the hospital under their watchful care because of our raging panic that if I went home something terrible would go wrong again and we would be too late getting back to the hospital. We could thank PTSD for that trauma since we lost our first son at almost 32 weeks of pregnancy after a “textbook” perfect pregnancy without any complications and no warning.
All I want to say to end this post is please always trust your gut instincts/mother intuition. If you feel like something can be wrong, be your own advocate and refuse to go home without all the possible screenings and tests done to assure you that everything is in fact ok. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone back to that awful day when we lost our son Owen to think what I could’ve and should’ve done differently to save him. Yes, I went in to the ER to check on him when I felt something was wrong, but maybe I shouldn’t have listened to the person who answered my call and waited to eat to try to get him to move more and then go in if he didn’t start reacting. I would definitely have run in now if I could do that all over again, but I was naive and unaware that I could lose my son in that moment (I had never even heard of stillbirth back then or kick counting, which I did but since Owen was such an active baby I really took closely tracking his movements for granted). So, while this story of my rainbow pregnancy will thankfully have a happy ending, my first son did not get to come home with us and I wanted to take this time to remind you that you have to trust yourself and speak up for you and your baby. I’ll finish sharing our happy rainbow baby pregnancy and delivery journey in a future post, but for now, let me also assure anyone who is struggling through PAL that although it can be a very scary and difficult journey, I am here for you (just as many others in our “club” of loss families are) to help you get through each of the days ahead, so please feel free to leave me a comment or find me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/stillmysonOwen) if you need support.
As always, your sweet babies will live on in my heart along with our son Owen.
Our sprinkle last weekend was everything I dreamt of and more! So many of our close family and friends were able to make it and all the meaningful little details I wanted to include came out perfectly. I made a lot of the signage and crocheted decor pieces (including the favor candles) in my spare time while on bedrest. The day of I had so much help from my sisters (who also did all the shopping), hubby (who not only was my set up Superman and a wonderful party host but also customized an antique door for me for decor), Mom and MIL (both also took turns staying with us for weeks to take care of us during my bedrest), Dad, brother, SIL, and friends who all worked together on the food and setup, so I actually didn’t feel like I was too overwhelmed. Special shout out and thank you to my super detailed friend Mayla who always makes me feel so at ease at my events because I know she’ll get everything done with style and who loaned us her custom-made donut wall, cocktail tables, chairs and platters plus made the delicious Wisconsin cheese platter! And thank you to Kathrin for all her items she offered to let us borrow to make our party pretty and for those yummy rainbow pretzel sticks her sister made! Of course I’m so thankful to have my sisters who helped and encouraged me throughout the planning to have this sprinkle and came a long way (from Florida and San Jose) to help make my dream party come true. I’m so glad I didn’t let the fear of another loss keep me from enjoying this moment in our rainbow pregnancy.
My heart is overjoyed knowing how much Jax is loved already. We requested diapers only since we have many of our daughter’s baby items saved but still got a lot of cute and useful gifts on top of plenty of diapers to start us off! Seeing all of Jackson’s gifts also really helped me visualize our son coming home. Now that we are 26 weeks I feel better knowing Jax is viable and each day that passes, as we continue to fight IC, we are getting closer to delivering a healthy baby. I am beyond thankful to God for this new life that I’m carrying and feel blessed to be this far along, experiencing Jackson’s strong kicks and summersaults, and being able to let myself dream about his arrival.
Beside documenting this special day, I wanted to share my experience on my blog in case any other PAL moms and dads are trying to decide if you want to have a shower. I think it’s a beautiful occasion and every baby deserves to be celebrated, but I understand the anxiety too. My husband wasn’t as sure about doing it because he’s concerned still with our experience of a 32 week loss, but was supportive of my desire to have the sprinkle despite his valid fears. We didn’t have a shower for our angel thinking we had enough hand-me-downs and we’d do something to celebrate him after he was born, but we didn’t get to, so I felt it was important to have one for our next, and possibly last, baby. After enduring 5 pregnancies in 6 years and three losses, I truly think we deserve to be celebrated too and for at least one day allow ourselves to be excited for this miracle we are still getting to see grow and will hopefully get to raise. Who else had a shower for their rainbows? Were you happy that you did it? Let me know how you celebrated! ????????
We are so thankful for all the thoughtful gifts we received for Jax, but this one was beyond special so I just have to point it out. I cried when I first saw it. My sister had made a blanket for our angel Owen with the other piece of the same fabric and we laid him to rest wrapped in it. So my heart is just so overwhelmed with emotions knowing our rainbow was gifted this blanket from my sister and mom (who sewed this one). ???? Our son Jackson is due on his big brother’s birthday so we always felt that he was handpicked for Earth by Owen for us. We couldn’t be more excited to meet him!
