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Counting Kicks Already! Although It’s Still Early to Notice a Pattern (PAL Journal: 18 Weeks)


We took a trip up North to visit my side of the family in San Jose. This was good because the business of all the kids together is a distraction from my worries. Though, as anyone who’s been pregnant after loss can probably relate, it still was in the forefront of my mind no matter how hard I tried to be in the moment. Taking it one day at a time, is my best advice.

Comparing bellies with the goat at the Emma Prusch park in San Jose.


End of the 18th week! Felt like a long one, mainly because I’m having to wait an extra week to see Jax since my doctor is on vacation. I’ve had several waves of anxiety the last couple days that have been hard to shake and lots of tearful moments too, still coping with my grief. A high has been feeling Jax move more and more. I even have been counting some of his kicks, though I know it’s too early to note a consistent pattern. We are still listening to his song, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” just about every day and though I haven’t had much time for naps this week I am trying to keep taking it easy.

Josh has been so sweet doing grocery shopping for me and doing more in general so I can get a little extra rest. He talks to Jax more often now too and kisses my belly. (This is a big deal for a dad after loss. His anxiety and worry over something happening again has made it harder for him to open up his heart and bond with our babies in pregnancy.) Naomi is getting excited as well, mentioning baby brother all the time.

Our dentist office ladies found out from Josh and they’re all so happy for us knowing what we’ve been through to have another baby. Will be an amazing day to finally see our baby, and fun to bring him by to meet everyone! (Fingers & toes crossed! I know there’s no guarantee, but trying to be positive.)

Another Week Closer & Feeling the First Kicks (PAL Journal: 16-17 Weeks)


Little Jax finally decided to give me a few good kicks this morning! I felt the little thumps while laying in bed before getting up. Daddy gave me his extra egg and toast with strawberry jelly, maybe Jax likes daddy’s cooking? Makes me feel so much better to feel him move finally.

Our apt is today and I feel a little less anxious now, though I always worry on apt days. First day taking the new van, so I’m excited Naomi won’t be miserable on the long ride to Santa Monica anymore watching her movie in her big comfy van. We bought if for the kids but I’m loving all the convenient features too.

Can’t wait to see you Jax! Praying you’re growing perfectly in there. Been singing you your song, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, every morning and during the day. Hope you hear it and love it, although I’m not the best singer but Judy Garland is singing along with me so I think it probably sounds good to you! Love you to the moon and back.

Your first book arrived today! So excited to start reading these rhymes to you.
Couldn’t resist buying this little set for you today. Maybe you will be a baller like your daddy??
Can just imagine us going to daddy’s game and watching him play with you in this cute basketball outfit.
End of the 16th week, now 17 weeks. (Photo taken a day late)


Dreamt I was feeling Jax move like crazy. Woke up happy but realized it was a dream. Felt like I had some movement the night before but I couldn’t tell if it was my food digesting or the baby. (Oh the joy of the traumatized loss mom brain! I was so anxious to start feeling movements so I could begin tracking them!)

I love that big sister took all these photos for me. It’s a special memory I have with her (even if she probably doesn’t remember it).

Trauma of Loss: Panic Attack at the OB

Today I had to come in to an OB appointment I scheduled to look into some issues I’ve have with my period (truthfully since my first miscarriage, but none of my OB’s offered to help me find a cause until now). Whoever thinks your PTSD lets up after you’re done TTC is wrong!

Waiting in the same room as several women, pregnant with hope and most likely unaware of the risk of stillbirth, is my literal hell. I’m squirming and screaming inside, but holding it in. Let them enjoy their naive state, I tell myself. No, I would’ve wanted to know! My heart screams to me again. The horrible tug a war ends promptly as my name is called.

The ultrasound. A wonderful machine for non-loss moms eager to see their little sweat pea growing & moving about; but panic attack inducing for those of us who’ve had the worse news confirmed by this device.

As I waited for the OB to go over my ultrasound results, I prayed fervently. “Please let me be ok. My kids and husband still need me. I know you and Owen want me to keep saving babies and I have more to do before I’m back with him”. A little melodramatic for what I went in for, but anything medical related becomes a worse case scenario fear in my mind now. Thankfully all went well. No bad news today. 🙏🏼

I scurry out, keeping my gaze straight ahead to avoid locking eyes with a pregnant couple that I pass. I say a little prayer, “Lord please keep their baby safe”, and I hop into my car. The wheels couldn’t take me away faster from that office.

I look to the clouds, as I often did after losing Owen. I noticed the sun shining, much like the day I left the hospital after delivering him holding only a small box of mementos. I take this as a reminder that my boy is with me telling mommy everything is ok, we can keep going together.

Anytime I get out of an OB appointment without an awful diagnosis is a good day for me and now I’m back to attending the ISA Conference to learn how I can help others keep their babies safe!

Always more we can learn, especially from researchers, about ways to prevent stillbirth.

ISA-ISPID 2021 Conference