Getting Closer, But Not Any Easier (PAL Journal: 15 Weeks)


It’s strange being pregnant after loss in your second trimester of pregnancy. You no longer have that feeling of relief you did before when you felt you were in the “safe zone” because you made it past the first trimester when everyone tells you there’s a risk of miscarriage. Your concerns over suddenly finding out your baby died are no longer at bay. You know, there is no safe zone. There are many second trimester losses, including those that find out there’s a life-threatening diagnosis at the 20 week anatomy scan so they have to make the heart wrenching decision of ending a wanted pregnancy. Not to mention other natural losses that may be explained or not. Including my own at 31 weeks, the final trimester. So needless to say at this point I was a ball of nerves. But as you can see, I still made myself document every moment and tried my best to make memories because no matter how long I would get to carry this baby I wanted him to know how loved he is.

If you’re pregnant after loss, know that I get your complicated experience of pregnancy and I’m sorry. I wish it could be easier. I wish I could tell you that the baby at the end of the rainbow is guaranteed, so just enjoy this time. It’s hard to say that when we know that it’s not true. But I hope and pray it will be. Take this pregnancy one day, or one hour at a time. You can borrow my mantra, “today my baby is safe and healthy”.

Just finished your security blankie baby! Started last night and finished the rest on the car ride to the doctor apt. & before bed. I think you’ll love it & hang on it all the time. It’s so soft & cozy & made with all my love.
You were moving & kicking quite a bit today. 153 heart beat. We were so happy to see you’re doing well. Doctor printed this pic to show us that you’re a boy, which we’ve know for a couple weeks. Excited to see you again in two weeks!

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